Moving house and an update on life

Ok then.
In a couple of days I will be moving house. This as an action is nothing new really, since it's been happening every few years of my entire life. The only difference this time, and I think the reason I am so excited about it, is that this is the first place that I am moving to where its not just for convenience but because I want to live there. The flat is pretty cool, my room is massive and the location is great. Looking forward to moving in with Erykah - or rather her moving in a few days after I have. Hopefully the "your moving in with a girl therefore you two are an item" stuff will disappear soon. The narrow minded views of some people are spectacular at times.

With the new place being where it is, it means that pretty much entirely by coincidence I am now living closer to my sister than I have in the last 5 years. I don't think that this will be a problem, though I see more requests for my epic dog-sitting abilities over the next 12 months or so (one of the easier tasks in the world since they spend most of the time napping). The thought that is slightly more concerning is that its possible padre and his woman may be returning to the area in the next few months depending on jobs and house sales etc. With the combination of the mothership returning to the homeland at the end of September, we will all be in the same country for the first time since about 2002, and most of the family could end up within 2 miles of each other - albeit with a large hill in the way. How father and his plus-one will be able to do the move if the spawn is still in Luton is undecided - but somehow I think rehab destinations don't really factor into the relocation plans. Oh well.

Also at the start of October I will be starting my MA in Ensemble Theatre, again at Rose Bruford, having got a 1st in my BA. Since I thought all the way through my time at college that I would do 3 years and be out the door, the MA has rather crept up on me, but its a new course, with some new ideas and it gives me the chance to test myself in a few different capacities. It also gives me license to read whatever books and plays I like - which is always a good thing. One of the sets of plays I have read recently was the works of Sarah Kane. I know she is not everyone's cup of tea, and some of the staging ideas are challenging to say the least (sunflower bursting from the floor being a decent example), but not only has she become one of my favourite playwrights, but also her work is, at this moment, what I would most like to be involved in creating. I'm not going to go into all the details of exactly how now, partly since some of the later themes and ideas I am still playing with in my brain, but once a more complete picture has emerged then I might put something down on paper - even though I severely doubt the other members of the Ensemble (who I have yet to meet) will be too keen on Kane as someone to look at. We shall see.

The interview for the MA was an interesting experience, with the highlights being:

• Told by one interviewer they could not see me being a professional SM
• Same interviewer informed me later that both of them were aware that I was "playing a part" during the interview so I didn't let on too much.
• The question: If you had a time machine and could go anywhere to see any show, what would you see? (My answer: Opening of Blasted by Kane in the 90's, first performance of the Berliner Ensemble in Britain in the 50's and the premiere of Osborne's Look Back in Anger in the 60's. They seemed to go down well)

Interested to know what anyone else would have picked for their choices on the third one.

Time to go finish packing!

The strained thoughts of a student

In a few months, I shall be graduating from Rose Bruford, with a degree in Stage Management. I would like to get a First, but my more realistic expectation is that I, along with a lot of other students will get a 2:1. But my grades are not the point of raising this milestone in my education. In the last three years, I have learned an awful lot – and most of it has nothing to do with my degree. I am able to write this because now, I hope, not long before the end of my trip through the education system of this country, have I finally truly started to be educated. Now is the point when I am able to say that I have some self-awareness, and sense of my place and my abilities. These are the things that at 14 I wanted to have, at 16 thought I was acquiring, at 18 believed that I had mastered and at 20 realised that I still barely understood. I am still no-where near being a finished project.

It is easy to say that college teaches you things that are not learned in the classroom. This is something that I did not entirely believe until the last 18 months. During this time I have been called unhelpful, lazy, workshy, arrogant, rude and condescending. On the other hand I have been described as dedicated, confident, a natural leader by example, a perfectionist, and have also been told that I care more about the people and projects I come into contact with than any other person. Part of me is happy to have received comments on both ends of the spectrum. Part of me is proud to have been able to impress at least a few people. Mostly, however, I believe that I am lost. Over the last few years, on every project I have worked on in college I have received marks of 70 or higher for the practical work. Only one of those grades was above 85. Quite a few people thought I was mental to be displeased with myself to only have reached this mark once in my college career. What does that say about the warped way my brain works

I want to be the best. Six very simple syllables. These are the six syllables which; when I approach them inspire me more than any other in the English language. They are a source of pride, of purpose, and of immense pain. Many people enjoy being good at what they do, enjoy knowing that they have done a job well. I wish that this were the case with me. I have discovered that, over the last few years I have been setting my targets higher. My main regret is that I did not do this many years ago. When I was younger, in a conversation with one of my teachers I managed to produce from the more than sizable part of my brain that controls ego this brilliant comment: “I know I can do it, you know I can do it. Why do I need to show you I can do it.” Honestly, this is one of the moments when I wish I had the ability to go back and give the younger version of me a thorough slap on the head. While it may sound clever, precocious, self important and certainly arrogant, that is the way that I thought. It is the way that I thought all the way until I received my A Level results in the summer of 2007. While they were the results that I needed in order to get into college, they were not the results that I was capable of producing, and what made it worse was that every single person who knew what results I got could tell me exactly that – and reneging on ones own potential is one of the worst things that someone can do for themselves, especially when others have given up so much to provide great opportunities. I wish that I could take some sense of self worth and pride back to 2007 and make the most of the chance that I had to do something impressive.

My drive to make myself better that everyone else is not fuelled by arrogance. It certainly contains an unhealthy dose of narcissism, but I believe that in reality it stems from the fact that I want to be a whole lot better than the arrogant youth who left Oakham in 2007. I do not have the knowledge of others, the personality of others, and I certainly do not have the talent of others. I have chosen for myself a path, which others are travelling down, and many of them are infinitely more suited to face the twist and turns of this road. I am not striving to be better than everyone else just to show that I can be. I am striving to be better than everyone else because I know that I am not, and at least if I fail to produce greater work than others, at least my attempts will have given me parity. The irony is that this parity is seen by many others as acceptable, and yet when I strive to be better than equal, it is my ambition that is questioned, not their acquiescence. This is a real problem, one that must be properly explored, but will take more work, and greater minds, than this.

Now for the part that really terrifies me. Where am I going now? Part of me wishes that I would be able to apply my new way of thinking to a more academic degree. I wish it was possible for me to apply to study English, History or politics – to do the degree that I was expected to be taking before placing myself in a more dramatic arc of life. This desire to study other subjects is not a rejection of the arts world, and not a scared student running from the responsibilities of adult life. On the contrary, I want to be able to expand my knowledge base because I want to be someone to take on the challenges facing the Arts world. I love being a stage manager, I am passionate about what I do, but I also wish to take a more active role in the administration of the arts, of theatre, live performance and events, so that others can feel the same enjoyment, the same thrill, the same joy that I do every time I step into a theatre.

Thank you for reading.