Emotional Disconnect

While trawling through some old stuff today I discovered a couple of things. Firstly, I have contrived to lose two of my favourite and most sentimentally valuable t-shirts, and secondly, I found some old notes from ex-girlfriends from a while ago.

Being the masochist that I am I decided to sit down and read them. They brought back some memories, mostly good, a couple more uncomfortable ones. What they did not bring back was a sense of real emotional connection. By that I don't mean that I cannot remember what I used to feel like - associating feelings with times, sounds or events is how most of my memories are stored in the dark recesses of my brain. What I could not connect with, and could not remember, was being the person to whom anyone would write these things.

I know as time passes people change, and I am aware that I have changed over the last few years, but it was a strange sensation not being able to feel that anything I was reading was intended for me. It is a peculiar feeling when you notice that in the space of a few years your self-perception has changed so much that you read things once meant for you, and feel as if you are reading words intended for an entirely different person, and feel as if you have invaded their privacy.

Masters 2.0

I have accepted the place on the MA Ensemble Theatre course at RBC starting in October.

Now after the fiasco last year (my reaction to which got picked up on by the college online account monitoring people), I am not in as strong a financial position as I was last year, so am having to plan out with much more care how I am going to pay for it.

I know how much it will cost me, and am attempting to persuade various family members to help me with it. This is not ideal, as I would rather not be in debt to the bank (loan), the government (undergraduate tuition fees) and every member of my family all at the same time. I think that the expense is worth it, otherwise I would not be putting myself or them through the effort of trying to work out how it will be paid for. This just means that the next few months will involve a lot of saving, scrimping, and avoiding any unnecessary expense more than I already do. I am pretty sure that it will not be a huge amount of fun, but the pay-off will be worth it.

One other thing I did discover today is that a person I went to school with, though they were in the year below me we did work together on at least one school play, is auditioning for a place on the same course. It would be quite strange if we both ended up doing the same MA (and she would be to my knowledge the 3rd person to go from Oakham to Bruford.

So that is the situation currently, and, as usual, it is all about the money.